For years I would dread the coming of this holiday and I've rebelled against it in many ways throughout my adulthood. I rarely see my original family during this holiday anymore and I've inflicted tremendous guilt on myself for not feeling sad about this. It wasn't until embracing my sadness around the whole concept of Thanksgiving that I have felt not only relief from guilt and what I'm supposed to do, but a deep realization that I've actually not been rebelling so much as defining my own meaning of Thanksgiving.
The traditions set out for us as children are those of our parents and our forebears as taught to us in grade school. It's a time of gathering, possibly with family that may not be able or willing to engage in a way that feels good. It might entail traveling long distances, and at a time when air travel is an absolute cattle call and airfares are high. It means feasting, which can mean having way more food than is needed to feed those at the table, left over to be gorged upon in the coming days when others, even those in our own communities, are hungry and alone. ...and most of all, it means giving thanks, yet there can be a certain religious righteousness that goes all the way back to the Pilgrims that doesn't quite feel right (or at least for me, that's the case). In many ways, it represents traditions that may no longer serve us as adults. The good news is, we get to decide which traditions to carry forward and take the opportunity to reframe the holiday so we can enjoy it!
Answering the following questions can help bring new meaning to Thanksgiving for you. I've provided my own answers to these questions as examples.
1) What do you need and not need? What you think (or know) others expect of you will creep in here -- be careful to focus on your own needs when answering this question.
I need: deep connection, an opportunity to share abundance, to honor the harvest, to be encouraged to express myself and to feel safe and cared for in the company that's present.I do not need: to travel long distances, to be with people who don't wish to engage with me, or to overindulge.
*hint* look to what matters most to you (your core values) to assist you here
2) What is your role THIS year? How do you want to take part? Notice how others' expectations of you creep in here, too. Focus on yourself and the part you want to play.
This year: I'm Mom -- creating a warm and welcome place for my step-daughter to come home to; I'm Wife -- providing a safe and nurturing refuge to my husband so he can be free to attend to his needs; I'm Daughter and Sister -- connecting with my parents and siblings by phone, meeting them right where they are; I'm a Sensitive Idealist -- donating extra food and volunteer hours to the local food pantry and preparing locally and sustainably grown foods for our table; I'm a Servant-Leader -- teaching by example and encouraging others to get what they need out of this holiday; and I'm a Compassionate Spiritual Being -- grateful to those who have sacrificed and lost, those who have taught me hard lessons and blessed by the abundance in my life.
3) Is there an emotion or feeling that you push aside when you think about all this?
Guilt and sadness are mine. Perhaps you feel lonely or misunderstood. Perhaps you feel overwhelmed. Spend some time with this feeling, really be with this feeling, and notice what comes up. Blame? Fear? Relief? Anger? It's helpful to do this in conversation with a close friend, mentor or another who supports you.
4) What are you grateful for? Give voice to these things and be open to listening to the gratitude others express.
I'm grateful for my loving family, my ability to be compassionate to others' needs and the amazing uncertainty of each new day.
5) What traditions would you like to manifest? Take a look at the beliefs and customs you've experienced around celebrating Thanksgiving. What do you want to carry forward? What do you want to add or change? I like to think about what causes me and my family the least amount of stress when I consider this one. I also like to focus on what I love about the holiday and leave the rest. ;o)
I love the tradition of having certain items on the menu: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, pie, cranberry sauce and a green vegetable are a must. My additions to this piece are that we always buy an organic, free-range, locally grown turkey, my husband prepares it on the grill, and our green veggie of choice is brussels sprouts (as opposed to the green bean casserole my mom always made). Most, if not all, of the ingredients for our meal are locally and sustainably grown.
My husband and I provide a warm and welcome place that my step-daughter looks forward to coming home to.
I create a safe and comfortable environment for myself and encourage others to express their needs so that we can co-create safe and comfortable spaces for them, too.
I connect with my extended family by phone and share stories with them of the celebrations in each of our homes.
I engage in sharing abundance and gratitude and encourage others to do the same.
6) What about next year? It's important to be flexible and focus on what matters at the present time. Know that in future years your needs, roles and emotions may be different. You may be a guest and be uninvolved with preparing the meal (or selecting its ingredients), you may not have someone with you that you'd like to have with you, or you may choose to forgo the meal and focus on other traditions you've identified as important to you. Revisit these questions each year to be sure you're honoring your own traditions and keep your meaning of Thanksgiving current.
Identifying what's important to you then choosing to honor those things will give you tremendous freedom. Honor your values this Thanksgiving. It's a good first step in giving new meaning to the holiday!
