Interested vs. Interesting

My thoughts keep coming back to themes that were introduced to me while reading Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, by Mark Goulston and I'd like to share one of those themes here for you to give you a taste of the nature of the power of just listening that the author presents.

But let's back up a little first, as this topic requires a little background. From Chapter 2: "A Little Science: How the Brain Goes from 'No' to 'Yes.'" Here, the author gives the reader a quick lesson in brain physiology. We humans have a three-part brain, each part interconnected with the others while prone to acting autonomously, especially when we're under stress. I'll paraphrase his brief description of each part here:

• "The lower reptilian brain is the "fight-or-flight" part of your brain. . . . all about acting and reacting, without a lot of thinking going on. It can also leave you frozen in a perceived crisis--the 'deer-in-the-headlights' response.
• The middle mammal brain is the seat of your emotions. It's where powerful feelings--love, joy, sadness, anger, grief, jealousy, pleasure--arise.
• The upper or primate brain is . . . the part that weighs a situation logically and rationally and generates a conscious plan of action. [It] collects data from the reptile and mammal brains, sifts it, analyzes it, and makes practical, smart, and ethical decisions."

Dr. Goulston goes on to demonstrate how getting through to people has everything to do with talking to them when their upper brain is not being eclipsed by its more primal brethren. ...and since we are often wanting to get through to people who are close to us, like friends, family, coworkers, or even clients, when they are upset or stressed or freaking out about something, it's very helpful to know that there are ways to "talk a person up from reptile to mammal to human brain."

This chapter also briefly introduces us to some specialized nerve cells called mirror neurons. It is believed by many scientists and others who study these things that these cells "may form the basis for human empathy. . . . they briefly make us feel what another person is feeling, like when you cringe when you watch a coworker get a paper cut. For an instant, it's just as if it's happening to you, and, in a way, it is."

Dr. Goulston's clinical studies support his theory that "we constantly mirror the world, conforming . . . trying to win its love and approval. And each time we mirror the world, it creates a little reciprocal hunger to be mirrored back. If that hunger isn't filled, we develop what [Dr. Goulston] refers to as 'mirror neuron receptor deficit.' In today's world, it's easy to imagine that deficit growing into a deep ache. Many people . . . feel that they give their best, only to be met day after day with apathy, hostility or (possibly worst of all) no response at all."

In a nutshell, providing the much-needed response helps another to feel felt.

Now, on to Chapter 6, "Be More Interested Than Interesting." The boiled down piece of advice given here is this: if you'd like someone to be interested in you, don't try to be interesting. Be really and truly interested in them. "The more you narrow the person's mirror neuron receptor deficit, the more intrigued the person is with you in return, and the more empathy the person feels toward you."

Imagine what the world would be like if everywhere we went people were interested! Gorgeous! (okay, maybe that's a little frightening, but imagine if at least the people you wish were interested were interested!)

There's a tremendous amount of other powerfully useful information contained in this book and I highly recommend it. I particularly appreciate the straight-forward style that the author uses, which makes the very rich content easy to take in. He not only gives helpful tips on relating to others on a level that can bring about significant shifts for the individuals involved, but I was particularly impressed that he suggests how the reader can turn these tips on themselves to deepen the learning, further develop and become a better listener.

If you've read this book or would like to read it, let's continue the conversation in the comment section below. ...and please, if you feel in any way pressured by this recommendation, to read, to grow, to participate -- I, too, have a growing pile of books (metaphoric and for real) that I've yet to read, accompanied by a growing pile of things to work on and engage with and will never get to them all in this life, so I totally hear you -- just take in what I've shared here and let that be enough for now.  :o)