Have you ever felt as if you have no time to take care of your own stuff because people keep coming to you for answers? Or perhaps you've set aside time to complete a certain project and weird things start happening, like your dog throws up on the carpet just as you sit down to work so you have to stop everything to tend to the sick pooch and clean up the puke before a stain sets in. Or maybe you got tricked into the realm of someone else's problem by getting drawn into their drama, their rendition of how things aren't working for them just as they'd hoped, and before you know it you're offering to take care of their kids for the evening.
What's going on here? In all three instances, your boundaries are being assaulted and you're risking potential overwhelm.
Here's what you can do in each case:
You have no time to take care of your own stuff because people keep coming to you for answers.
In this case, it's likely that you encounter one or many people on a regular basis who have not yet learned to trust themselves AND they've learned that they can trust or at least rely on you. Perhaps you're a teacher or the parent of a teenager (or even young adult). Maybe you have an addict in your life. Or maybe you're in a leadership role. Perhaps you're just nice. Whatever the case may be, you're the go-to person. When you come to this place of feeling as if you have no time left for yourself, it's simply time to start saying no. Go ahead, try it! Here's where you can rely on that trustworthy, reliable quality in you. Say no, do it lovingly without excuses and they'll take their problems elsewhere (perhaps even surprising you by solving them themselves), trusting that you wouldn't steer them wrong and that you mean no harm by saying no. By saying no, you'll gain time for yourself to take care of your own stuff and you'll empower the other to create their own solutions.
You've set aside time to complete a certain project and weird things start happening.
This is one version of something that's called a cosmic 2x4. You're ready to start and might even be moving right along, when BLAM!! something seems to come out of nowhere and not only throws you off guard, but knocks your knees right out from under you, metaphorically speaking that is. Your time and energy are no longer available for you to use to complete your project. Instead, you must attend to this other person's (or dog's, as the case may be) needs. Their needs are urgent and become more important than your project in a matter of moments. When you become aware of these cosmic 2x4s happening to you, it's time to start paying attention. Something big is at play here. It's a good time to slow things way down and take things in smaller, more focused increments. That project that you had set aside time for needs some careful consideration, or perhaps it's your motivations for doing the project in the first place that need to be contemplated. Either way, take this as a major clue that there's some important information waiting for you to discover. You'll be able to find it once you slow down enough to quiet your mind and open your senses.
You got tricked into the realm of someone else's problem by getting drawn into their drama.
This can happen all too easily. You're out having drinks with a few friends and, after hearing one person's sad story about how their boss just lit into her because she was late, but her baby was home sick from school, and she'd just gotten into a car accident, and really, she just needed some time for herself. What well-meaning friend hasn't caved to this one?!? Of course you just want to take it all away from her, at least for one evening, so you offer to take care of her kids so she can have a much deserved date with her masseuse. In and of itself, this isn't so bad, but let's take this scenario a bit further, shall we? So, you've just put the oldest kid to bed, it's nearly 9 and you're expecting your friend home soon. You settle into the couch to relax a bit before making the drive back across town to your place so you, yourself, can head to bed. About 45 minutes later, your friend calls from a place with alot of background noise to tell you that she'd run into so-and-so and would I mind staying for just a little while longer while she... I think you get the picture. The friend has succeeded in drawing you into their drama. Now you're stuck and starting to feel some resentment welling up inside. You've been drawn into and could potentially be dragged down by someone else's drama. So what to do? Say NO! It could go something like this: "Yes, in fact, I do mind staying longer. I'm so happy that you've run into so-and-so. Perhaps you two can catch up further here at your place. I've got to get home. I've got a full day tomorrow. When will you be back?"
In cases such as this, it's important to not only say no, but to notice that you had gotten caught up in someone else's drama by trying to solve their problems. Key here is to resist that temptation when it happens again in the future. If you're lucky and the other person's drama was ugly or uncomfortable enough, it will be easier to resist your urge to solve their problems next time.
Are you prone to solving other people's problems? I'd love to hear about your inclinations in this area and what you do or have done when this causes overwhelm. ...and if saying no is new to you, give it a try and let me know how it goes, won't you? Please leave your comments below.
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