It's right about this time each year that I start hearing whimpers of dread and anxious anticipation over the coming holidays crying out with a sort of longing for something more, something
different.
What if the holidays could be happily exciting, deeply satisfying, and even energizing for you? Wouldn't
that be wonderful?
Now don't get me wrong, the holidays are certainly not dreadful in and of themselves. It's just that it's so easy to become subsumed in all the hoopla out there and it may not be so easy to honor yourself and what you need and want out of the whole shebang in the process.
Perhaps it isn't easy to shift out of those icky-feeling perspectives of the holidays, yet at the same time it is possible and fairly simple to
create a shift in yourself that will allow you to relax and enjoy yourself this season.
It's about getting clear on what's important to you, making room for that important stuff to become more present and showing up to ring in the good cheer in your own, beautiful way.
Here are six questions to ask yourself that will help to evoke that shift (I've provided some answers of my own as examples. I'm asking myself about Thanksgiving in this case. It helps to be
very specific, so try and stick to addressing each holiday event separately. You can always use what you've learned from looking at one event to help you in the others.):
1) What do you need and not need? What you think (or know) others expect of you will creep in here -- be careful to focus on your own needs when answering this question.I
need: deep connection, an opportunity to share abundance, to honor the
harvest, to be encouraged to express myself and to feel safe and cared
for in the company that's present.
I do not need: to travel long distances, to be with people who don't wish to engage with me, or to overindulge.
*hint* look to what matters most to you (your core values) to assist you here.
2) What is your role THIS year? How do you want to take
part? Notice how others' expectations of you creep in here, too. Focus
on yourself and the part you want to play.
This year:
I'm Sister -- accepting a warm and welcoming invitation to be with my sister and her partner and the others they've opened their home to this day; I'm Wife and Partner -- resting into the safety and strength the relationship I have with my husband provides; I'm Mom, Daughter and, again,
Sister -- connecting with my daughter, parents and other siblings by phone, meeting them
right where they are; I'm Thankful -- being aware of things that come up for me and expressing gratitude for the depth with which I feel, the insights that I gain by paying attention and the way connection is built through coming together, sharing a meal and talking about what we're grateful for and other things that are important to us.
3) Is there an emotion or feeling that you push aside when you think about all this?
Guilt
and loneliness are mine. Perhaps you feel sad or misunderstood. Perhaps
you feel overwhelmed. Spend some time with this feeling, really be with
this feeling, and notice what comes up. Blame? Fear? Relief? Anger? Where do you feel this emotion or feeling in your body?
It's helpful to do this in conversation with a close friend, mentor or
another who supports you.
4) What are you grateful for? Give voice to these things and be open to listening to the gratitude others express.
I'm grateful for my loving family, my ability to listen deeply and the amazing uncertainty of each new day.
5)
What traditions would you like to manifest? Take a look at the beliefs
and customs you've experienced around celebrating your holiday in question. What do
you want to carry forward? What do you want to add or change? I like
to think about what causes me and my family the least amount of stress
when I consider this one. I also like to focus on what I love about the
holiday and leave the rest. ;o)
I love the tradition of having
certain items on the menu: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy,
pie, cranberry sauce and a green vegetable are a must. My additions to
this piece are that we always buy an organic, free-range, locally grown
turkey, my husband prepares it on the grill, and our green veggie of
choice is brussels sprouts (as opposed to the green bean casserole my
mom always made). Most, if not all, of the ingredients for our meal are
locally and sustainably grown. Since we're going to my Sister's for Thanksgiving this year, we'll reserve a day in December to create our own feast, just the way we like it.
There's a sense of warmth, of feeling welcome, of coming home.
I
create a safe and comfortable environment for myself and encourage
others to express their needs so that we can co-create safe and
comfortable spaces for them, too.
I connect with my extended family by phone and share stories with them of the celebrations in store for each of us.
I engage in sharing abundance and gratitude and encourage others to do the same.
6) What about next year? To keep things as anxiety-free as possible, it's important to be flexible and focus on what matters at the present
time. Know that in future years your needs, roles and emotions may be
different. You may be a guest and be uninvolved with preparing the meal
(or selecting its ingredients) or hosting the festivities, you may not have someone with you that
you'd like to have with you, or you may choose to forgo a particular event and
focus on other traditions you've identified as important to you. Revisit
these questions each year to be sure you're honoring your own
traditions and keep
your meaning of the holidays
current.
Identifying
what's important to you then choosing to honor those things will give
you tremendous freedom. Honor your values this holiday season. It's a good
first step in keeping the holidays meaningful!
What's important to you? I'd love to hear what comes up as you consider these six questions. Be gentle with yourself, take your time and have fun!
