The Plan

Yesterday someone asked me, "How are you planning for 2012?"

This got me thinking, "Am I planning for 2012? Is planning even my thing?"

...and so, I've been sitting with these questions and here is what came to me...

I am enjoying the winding down of the season, the shortening of the days, and the lengthening of the nights. I have been turning inward, sleeping more, reading more, spending more time alone (is that even possible??) and feeding my body what it craves. Interestingly, the days and nights have been gorgeously clear and crisp, the sun-shadows-scents-wind-stars-moon richly present. I've been feeding my soul with nature's beauty and have noticed the few-and-far-between conversations I'm having with others are deep and wonderful. Mmmm...

I am spending time this week and next in the mindset of strategic planning. I'm initiating some changes for my business and my vision for these changes is HUGE! I'm giving this vision room to step forth and take form. ...and in the midst of making room, people have stepped in to help and support me... Who knew?

I am beginning to reflect, but not dwell, on my past experiences, wins, failures (Ta Da!!), awarenesses, pains, achievements, fears, and connections. I may focus on this calendar year or I may not. Lately I've been noticing stuff from my early childhood and my late teenage years that deserves refection, too. I'm also reflecting on the synchronicities I've encountered in just the span of last week or yesterday or this morning, for that matter. It's a practice of witnessing my past with loving curiosity and equanimity. I'm witnessing a life of adventure and discovery unfolding before my very own inward gaze. Wow!

Now, for me, since I've been asked, I can honestly say that I have been planning and at the same time reflecting and being very present in each moment. ...and as I step back, I can see that planning is my thing in this organic sort of way. I wouldn't say that my plans are bounded neatly within the next calendar year, however. As I take a good look, I can see that my plans range from broad to specific, simple to complex, and as near term as this afternoon, as long term as my whole foreseeable life. For me, 2012 is less an interval to plan within and more a milestone filled with milestones -- to reach, to witness, to look back and reflect upon.

What about you? How are you planning for 2012? Is planning even your thing? Please share by leaving a comment.

Creativity as Self Care

Have you ever considered adding a creativity practice to your self-care regimen? Personally, I hadn't until a couple months ago when I was invited to beta test a mentor's new program. This was a writer's circle -- a safe place where I could come together with others to explore what it meant to fill my well, to feel into the areas that I'm stuck creatively, to see what keeps me stuck, to learn what releases me, and to actually get some writing done.

I got all that and more! Much to my surprise, I learned that the simple act of creating (writing short fiction, in this particular case) IS what fills my well. When my creative well is full, I am contently sated and at ease, yet somehow at the same time bristling with energy. Creativity is one way for me to raise my frequency, as it were, so that I feel soul-fed and, well, happy. ...but, alas, I found that it was really about the creative process becoming a regular practice. Something that I had to make room for regularly. For some, that means daily. For me, it's more like 4-5 days per week on average. It also integrates well into my life. I found that 30 minutes was sufficient for me and that using a timer freed me from distraction. The time flew, the words came seemingly out of nowhere and before I knew it I had the makings of a surprisingly adventurous tale. Never, before then, had I suspected that I would actually be sitting down to write a short story!

More surprising than all of this was the way the rest of my life began to flow after these creative writing sprints become a devoted practice. I found that I looked forward to each next session, happily anticipating how the story might unfold. My imagination and sense of things expanded in a way that felt right deep down in my cells. Solutions to long-standing problems began to simply come to me in moments of quiet. There was a strong sense of being cared for in a way I hadn't felt before. I was allowing myself to create, finally! It seemed awkward at first, but then it came into its natural, albeit somewhat chaotic and often fumbling, flow.

If you're a writer or simply have a sense that creative practice is missing in your life, I highly recommend setting a creative practice in motion for yourself. I like to do all sorts of creative things in addition to my fiction writing, like cook, draw, play/work in the garden and imagine. I think I might even learn how to knit to see if that's another outlet for me! Much of the work I do with my clients could even be categorized as creative as we explore the unknown together, discovering important guides and resources that are steadfast champions and always abundant. I want you to feel the freedom that comes from having such a practice for yourself. I wonder where you might find it?

So, next time you find yourself wishing for something, get creative! It might just be as easy as letting yourself do that artful thing you've not been letting yourself do!

Your creativity will thank you. Big time. I'd love to hear how it goes!

...and if writing IS your thing, my mentor, Jenna Avery, is starting her next Writer's Circle this coming Monday, November 28th. Check it out at: Just Do The Writing
(Full disclosure: this is an affiliate link and I earn commission from sales generated through this link. I highly recommend Jenna's work with or without the commission. ;o) )

Keeping the holidays meaningful... even for YOU!

It's right about this time each year that I start hearing whimpers of dread and anxious anticipation over the coming holidays crying out with a sort of longing for something more, something different.

What if the holidays could be happily exciting, deeply satisfying, and even energizing for you? Wouldn't that be wonderful?

Now don't get me wrong, the holidays are certainly not dreadful in and of themselves. It's just that it's so easy to become subsumed in all the hoopla out there and it may not be so easy to honor yourself and what you need and want out of the whole shebang in the process.

Perhaps it isn't easy to shift out of those icky-feeling perspectives of the holidays, yet at the same time it is possible and fairly simple to create a shift in yourself that will allow you to relax and enjoy yourself this season.

It's about getting clear on what's important to you, making room for that important stuff to become more present and showing up to ring in the good cheer in your own, beautiful way.

Here are six questions to ask yourself that will help to evoke that shift (I've provided some answers of my own as examples. I'm asking myself about Thanksgiving in this case. It helps to be very specific, so try and stick to addressing each holiday event separately. You can always use what you've learned from looking at one event to help you in the others.):

1) What do you need and not need? What you think (or know) others expect of you will creep in here -- be careful to focus on your own needs when answering this question.
I need: deep connection, an opportunity to share abundance, to honor the harvest, to be encouraged to express myself and to feel safe and cared for in the company that's present.
I do not need: to travel long distances, to be with people who don't wish to engage with me, or to overindulge.
*hint* look to what matters most to you (your core values) to assist you here.


2) What is your role THIS year? How do you want to take part? Notice how others' expectations of you creep in here, too. Focus on yourself and the part you want to play.
This year: I'm Sister -- accepting a warm and welcoming invitation to be with my sister and her partner and the others they've opened their home to this day; I'm Wife and Partner -- resting into the safety and strength the relationship I have with my husband provides; I'm Mom, Daughter and, again, Sister -- connecting with my daughter, parents and other siblings by phone, meeting them right where they are; I'm Thankful -- being aware of things that come up for me and expressing gratitude for the depth with which I feel, the insights that I gain by paying attention and the way connection is built through coming together, sharing a meal and talking about what we're grateful for and other things that are important to us.

3) Is there an emotion or feeling that you push aside when you think about all this?
Guilt and loneliness are mine. Perhaps you feel sad or misunderstood. Perhaps you feel overwhelmed. Spend some time with this feeling, really be with this feeling, and notice what comes up. Blame? Fear? Relief? Anger? Where do you feel this emotion or feeling in your body? It's helpful to do this in conversation with a close friend, mentor or another who supports you.

4) What are you grateful for? Give voice to these things and be open to listening to the gratitude others express.
I'm grateful for my loving family, my ability to listen deeply and the amazing uncertainty of each new day.

5) What traditions would you like to manifest? Take a look at the beliefs and customs you've experienced around celebrating your holiday in question. What do you want to carry forward? What do you want to add or change? I like to think about what causes me and my family the least amount of stress when I consider this one. I also like to focus on what I love about the holiday and leave the rest. ;o)
I love the tradition of having certain items on the menu: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, pie, cranberry sauce and a green vegetable are a must. My additions to this piece are that we always buy an organic, free-range, locally grown turkey, my husband prepares it on the grill, and our green veggie of choice is brussels sprouts (as opposed to the green bean casserole my mom always made). Most, if not all, of the ingredients for our meal are locally and sustainably grown. Since we're going to my Sister's for Thanksgiving this year, we'll reserve a day in December to create our own feast, just the way we like it.
There's a sense of warmth, of feeling welcome, of coming home.
I create a safe and comfortable environment for myself and encourage others to express their needs so that we can co-create safe and comfortable spaces for them, too.
I connect with my extended family by phone and share stories with them of the celebrations in store for each of us.
I engage in sharing abundance and gratitude and encourage others to do the same.

6) What about next year? To keep things as anxiety-free as possible, it's important to be flexible and focus on what matters at the present time. Know that in future years your needs, roles and emotions may be different. You may be a guest and be uninvolved with preparing the meal (or selecting its ingredients) or hosting the festivities, you may not have someone with you that you'd like to have with you, or you may choose to forgo a particular event and focus on other traditions you've identified as important to you. Revisit these questions each year to be sure you're honoring your own traditions and keep your meaning of the holidays current.

Identifying what's important to you then choosing to honor those things will give you tremendous freedom. Honor your values this holiday season. It's a good first step in keeping the holidays meaningful!

What's important to you? I'd love to hear what comes up as you consider these six questions. Be gentle with yourself, take your time and have fun!

A Heretic's Path

I'm ready to come out. I admit it. I'm a bit of a heretic. It's deep within my nature to stand in the face of Opposition (perceived and real) and defy its polar essence. ...and by Opposition, I mean conventional beliefs, the beliefs of the righteous, the acts of those who are party to destructive conflict, even simple emotions such as fear or reactions such as self preservation. Anything that feels like it gets in the way of or brings one to avoid something bigger, possibly scary and probably something a bit more uncertain. One big reason that I'm here (on this Earth, at this time, writing this blog post right now) is to stand up and shout "YOU CARE, SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!" I'm here to stand by you as you stand in your own fear and reactions to face whatever opposition comes your way. We each need to show up, big time. The safety of inaction and complacency IS part of the problem. Things are NOT just the way they are. We CAN do something about it. Resignation does not equal Acceptance. It's missing the critical element of Compassion.

As a part of my celebration of and involvement in the growing movement of Peace, I've been listening to calls on The Shift Network's program, PeaceWeek 2011. I've been moved again and again by the possibilities and encouragement that's been presented. I was blessed to be on calls with two of my heroes (and, dare I say, role models?), Marianne Williamson and Deepak Chopra. Hearing their voices again helped to clear away the static and present me, once again, with the evidence and inspiration I needed to refuel my heretic's spirit.

My take-away, that I'd like to share with you, is that PEACE IS POSSIBLE and we each have a role to play in making this possibility increasingly the reality. Marianne Williamson spoke of Fierce Peace -- actually standing at the heated centers of conflict and bringing Love in. Deepak Chopra spoke that Peace is the Way -- that it's an inside-out process, that Peace starts and is cultivated within, then flows outward. Both presented practical methods each of us can use to move our intentions of peace into appropriate actions of peace as we make our invaluable contributions to the expansion of Peace everywhere. You can access recordings to their talks (and many others) here.

For me, being on this heretic's path requires an attitude of passionate equanimity (or at least holding that as the ideal state to step forth from). ...and as a sensitive idealist, that ain't easy! In this state, I can feel others' suffering and not turn away in fear or with feelings of helplessness to do anything. I know where my responsibility lies, and that's as a transformative change agent.

There are three threads that I noticed in common between Marianne and Deepak's talks that seem to speak to finding that place of passionate equanimity so we can stand fiercely in the face of [perceived] opposition and make the difference we're meant to make.

1. We must continually address our own issues and stay in an upward trajectory of personal growth. This piece is internal, psycho-physical and includes self-care. Yes, we will backslide into old patterns, get caught up in other people's business and be stumped at times as to where to turn or how to keep going, but we must feel into the persistence of Life within us and keep growing. The seed of our intentions lies here.
2. We must hold a spiritual connection, whether that's through prayer, meditation, walks in the woods or following the teachings of a sage or messiah, in order to remain inspired. There's maintenance involved here, too, which can mean cultivating creativity, taking spiritual retreats, being in community, and practicing gratitude. Our spiritual connection amplifies our intentions.
3. We must stand courageously compassionate. This is where we show up bringing with us what we want to see more of in the world, things like respect, tolerance, consideration, deep, attentive listening... Our intentions are transmitted, reflected and compounded exponentially by everything around us.

It's an inside-out process. Peace starts within and flows outward, expanding. The intention of peace is amplified by our own personal growth, our own particular level of consciousness. Peace grows and flows like a rich, primordial stew.

So, I wonder... What's your role in the expansion of peace? If peace isn't your thing, then what is? What do you want to see more of in the world that you can bring with you the next place you show up? I'd love to hear from you about this -- please comment below.

Interested vs. Interesting

My thoughts keep coming back to themes that were introduced to me while reading Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, by Mark Goulston and I'd like to share one of those themes here for you to give you a taste of the nature of the power of just listening that the author presents.

But let's back up a little first, as this topic requires a little background. From Chapter 2: "A Little Science: How the Brain Goes from 'No' to 'Yes.'" Here, the author gives the reader a quick lesson in brain physiology. We humans have a three-part brain, each part interconnected with the others while prone to acting autonomously, especially when we're under stress. I'll paraphrase his brief description of each part here:

• "The lower reptilian brain is the "fight-or-flight" part of your brain. . . . all about acting and reacting, without a lot of thinking going on. It can also leave you frozen in a perceived crisis--the 'deer-in-the-headlights' response.
• The middle mammal brain is the seat of your emotions. It's where powerful feelings--love, joy, sadness, anger, grief, jealousy, pleasure--arise.
• The upper or primate brain is . . . the part that weighs a situation logically and rationally and generates a conscious plan of action. [It] collects data from the reptile and mammal brains, sifts it, analyzes it, and makes practical, smart, and ethical decisions."

Dr. Goulston goes on to demonstrate how getting through to people has everything to do with talking to them when their upper brain is not being eclipsed by its more primal brethren. ...and since we are often wanting to get through to people who are close to us, like friends, family, coworkers, or even clients, when they are upset or stressed or freaking out about something, it's very helpful to know that there are ways to "talk a person up from reptile to mammal to human brain."

This chapter also briefly introduces us to some specialized nerve cells called mirror neurons. It is believed by many scientists and others who study these things that these cells "may form the basis for human empathy. . . . they briefly make us feel what another person is feeling, like when you cringe when you watch a coworker get a paper cut. For an instant, it's just as if it's happening to you, and, in a way, it is."

Dr. Goulston's clinical studies support his theory that "we constantly mirror the world, conforming . . . trying to win its love and approval. And each time we mirror the world, it creates a little reciprocal hunger to be mirrored back. If that hunger isn't filled, we develop what [Dr. Goulston] refers to as 'mirror neuron receptor deficit.' In today's world, it's easy to imagine that deficit growing into a deep ache. Many people . . . feel that they give their best, only to be met day after day with apathy, hostility or (possibly worst of all) no response at all."

In a nutshell, providing the much-needed response helps another to feel felt.

Now, on to Chapter 6, "Be More Interested Than Interesting." The boiled down piece of advice given here is this: if you'd like someone to be interested in you, don't try to be interesting. Be really and truly interested in them. "The more you narrow the person's mirror neuron receptor deficit, the more intrigued the person is with you in return, and the more empathy the person feels toward you."

Imagine what the world would be like if everywhere we went people were interested! Gorgeous! (okay, maybe that's a little frightening, but imagine if at least the people you wish were interested were interested!)

There's a tremendous amount of other powerfully useful information contained in this book and I highly recommend it. I particularly appreciate the straight-forward style that the author uses, which makes the very rich content easy to take in. He not only gives helpful tips on relating to others on a level that can bring about significant shifts for the individuals involved, but I was particularly impressed that he suggests how the reader can turn these tips on themselves to deepen the learning, further develop and become a better listener.

If you've read this book or would like to read it, let's continue the conversation in the comment section below. ...and please, if you feel in any way pressured by this recommendation, to read, to grow, to participate -- I, too, have a growing pile of books (metaphoric and for real) that I've yet to read, accompanied by a growing pile of things to work on and engage with and will never get to them all in this life, so I totally hear you -- just take in what I've shared here and let that be enough for now.  :o)

Overwhelm and the trap of solving other people's problems

Have you ever felt as if you have no time to take care of your own stuff because people keep coming to you for answers? Or perhaps you've set aside time to complete a certain project and weird things start happening, like your dog throws up on the carpet just as you sit down to work so you have to stop everything to tend to the sick pooch and clean up the puke before a stain sets in. Or maybe you got tricked into the realm of someone else's problem by getting drawn into their drama, their rendition of how things aren't working for them just as they'd hoped, and before you know it you're offering to take care of their kids for the evening.

What's going on here? In all three instances, your boundaries are being assaulted and you're risking potential overwhelm.

Here's what you can do in each case:
You have no time to take care of your own stuff because people keep coming to you for answers.
In this case, it's likely that you encounter one or many people on a regular basis who have not yet learned to trust themselves AND they've learned that they can trust or at least rely on you. Perhaps you're a teacher or the parent of a teenager (or even young adult). Maybe you have an addict in your life. Or maybe you're in a leadership role. Perhaps you're just nice. Whatever the case may be, you're the go-to person. When you come to this place of feeling as if you have no time left for yourself, it's simply time to start saying no. Go ahead, try it! Here's where you can rely on that trustworthy, reliable quality in you. Say no, do it lovingly without excuses and they'll take their problems elsewhere (perhaps even surprising you by solving them themselves), trusting that you wouldn't steer them wrong and that you mean no harm by saying no. By saying no, you'll gain time for yourself to take care of your own stuff and you'll empower the other to create their own solutions.

You've set aside time to complete a certain project and weird things start happening.
This is one version of something that's called a cosmic 2x4. You're ready to start and might even be moving right along, when BLAM!! something seems to come out of nowhere and not only throws you off guard, but knocks your knees right out from under you, metaphorically speaking that is. Your time and energy are no longer available for you to use to complete your project. Instead, you must attend to this other person's (or dog's, as the case may be) needs. Their needs are urgent and become more important than your project in a matter of moments. When you become aware of these cosmic 2x4s happening to you, it's time to start paying attention. Something big is at play here. It's a good time to slow things way down and take things in smaller, more focused increments. That project that you had set aside time for needs some careful consideration, or perhaps it's your motivations for doing the project in the first place that need to be contemplated. Either way, take this as a major clue that there's some important information waiting for you to discover. You'll be able to find it once you slow down enough to quiet your mind and open your senses.

You got tricked into the realm of someone else's problem by getting drawn into their drama.
This can happen all too easily. You're out having drinks with a few friends and, after hearing one person's sad story about how their boss just lit into her because she was late, but her baby was home sick from school, and she'd just gotten into a car accident, and really, she just needed some time for herself. What well-meaning friend hasn't caved to this one?!? Of course you just want to take it all away from her, at least for one evening, so you offer to take care of her kids so she can have a much deserved date with her masseuse. In and of itself, this isn't so bad, but let's take this scenario a bit further, shall we? So, you've just put the oldest kid to bed, it's nearly 9 and you're expecting your friend home soon. You settle into the couch to relax a bit before making the drive back across town to your place so you, yourself, can head to bed. About 45 minutes later, your friend calls from a place with alot of background noise to tell you that she'd run into so-and-so and would I mind staying for just a little while longer while she... I think you get the picture. The friend has succeeded in drawing you into their drama. Now you're stuck and starting to feel some resentment welling up inside. You've been drawn into and could potentially be dragged down by someone else's drama. So what to do? Say NO! It could go something like this: "Yes, in fact, I do mind staying longer. I'm so happy that you've run into so-and-so. Perhaps you two can catch up further here at your place. I've got to get home. I've got a full day tomorrow. When will you be back?"
In cases such as this, it's important to not only say no, but to notice that you had gotten caught up in someone else's drama by trying to solve their problems. Key here is to resist that temptation when it happens again in the future. If you're lucky and the other person's drama was ugly or uncomfortable enough, it will be easier to resist your urge to solve their problems next time.

Are you prone to solving other people's problems? I'd love to hear about your inclinations in this area and what you do or have done when this causes overwhelm. ...and if saying no is new to you, give it a try and let me know how it goes, won't you? Please leave your comments below.

Wants vs. Needs

I've been receiving a wide variety of messages from the Universe lately. Finally, things are clicking together and I'm starting to see the lesson that has been laid out in front of me.

Here's what I've encountered:
In my mastermind group last week, there was a blow-up that questioned the level of commitment each of us has to our common goals. It was clear that what at least two of us in the group wanted was different enough that it caused us to come to a place of conflict. This blow-up provided me with a clear lesson in discernment, which opened up my awareness around the effect I have on people when I show up wearing my intentions on my sleeve -- in this case, my willingness to be vulnerable and to be in a place of not knowing. This new level of awareness around discernment allowed me to bring inspiration to others a couple days later as we focused together on the last line of the Serenity Prayer: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." Somehow, first knowing the difference brought me the courage to share my story, then came the serenity of acceptance as I began to see the events of the blow-up as opportunities to gain clarity and tremendous insight.

Then, this past weekend, I was in another situation where several of us were co-leading and got into a state of stumbling around trying to anticipate each other's needs. Well, we got all snagged up at one point and when we came together later to clear and regroup, we each realized that we'd made certain incorrect assumptions about the others' needs so we each talked about what we wanted for ourselves and for the group and made room to give voice to our intentions more carefully, with more specific detail. I know that what I encountered earlier in the week had a direct affect on the speed of recovery in this snafu.

Still, I wasn't sure why I'd been thrown into two difficult situations in one week. It had something to do with discernment, showing up fully and being present enough to make use of whatever's here in the moment -- I knew at least that much.

This morning it all came together for me as I read Molly Gordon's latest blog post. It was about Wants vs. Needs! In day to day life, we rarely get the opportunity to candidly speak of what we need without sounding, well, needy. I've been given a now very clear reminder of the importance of discerning between wants and needs layered with taking into consideration who I'm in relationship with, what my intentions are for the relationship at that moment and how I share those intentions. Those of us of the highly sensitive variety get to experience a focus on needs when we choose to attend HSP Gatherings and often carry that into other situations. Other times we might get to talk about needs in certain open-hearted environments that provide deep, loving support. But outside of those circumstances, it's generally our job to first get clear on our own needs, keep the focus of our needs on ourselves AND in so doing, share our wants with others so that we can find and acquire the resources we need to grow. Ahhhh...

Where has the discernment between wants and needs shown up in your life recently? I'd love to hear from you, so please leave a comment below.

Clear Vision: Yoga and the Ecology of Awakening

This month features the work of my yoga teacher, Natalie Hanson, and her partner, Adrian Villasenor-Galarza. Their vision is manifesting in the form of a unique and sacred journey into the pristine jungle of Mexico and the rich jungle of our own interior. There they will lead a deep immersion into Yoga, the beautiful art and science of Self-Realization, and Ecology to take an intimate look at all our relations. The core premise of the retreat is to become aware of how much our personal yoga practice has the capacity to influence and positively transform consciousness on a planetary level--humans, non human beings, and Nature. Influence and positively transform consciousness on a planetary level? Sign me up!

To find out more about this retreat, its leaders and the beautiful Xinalani Retreat, go to Living Flames.

Distractions, distractions and more distractions

I don't know if it's spring fever or the full moon, but I just can't seem to focus today! My plan to be productive keeps getting waylaid by friendly phone calls, drop-in visits and a general lack of concentration. Humpf.

Trusting my instincts by heeding my method of wisely chasing synchronicities, I find guidance right in my inbox -- apparently I'm not alone. ElizabethPW's been musing about something similar and her strife seems to be pointing to cluttered thoughts and that great teacher: Resistance. Molly Gordon has written a post that helps me to see that this distraction may in part be caused by electronic clutter.

Now my awareness has been sharpened. I'm thankful for my mentors and my ability to be flexible with myself and my plans. I can now ask myself, "What is it about my 'plan' that I'm resisting?" That's something to identify and work through with my coach. I can also reduce the clutter, both in my electronic inbox and in my office. De-cluttering is my new priority. Knowing this, I feel relieved and back on track. Phew!

Are you feeling distracted? If so, what's the culprit, really, and what sort of guidance, if any, have you received to help you to know what to do about it?

Clear Vision: The Possibility Spa

This month features the work of a woman after my own heart, Laura Calandrella. As a social impact accelerator [I LOVE this!], Laura helps teams, entrepreneurs and philanthropists decide how they're going to change the world – and then do it. She says, "forget what you’ve been fed – evolution can be easy." Laura's been toying with the ideas presented in The Art of Possibility by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander, and something delicious is beginning to percolate around possibility. She's taking these ideas to her clients and other social entrepreneurs, continuing the conversation, and developing new offers and experiences as I write.

There's something at play here about not taking ourselves too seriously that creates that just-right amount of space needed to shine in our excellence. Stay tuned to see what's brewing and to take part in the possibilities!

A blessing of trees and storms

The Man Watching
-Rainer Maria Rilke

I can tell by the way the trees beat, after
so many dull days, on my worried windowpanes
that a storm is coming,
and I hear the far-off fields say things
I can't bear with a friend,
I can't love without a sister.

The storm, the shifter of shapes, drives on
across the woods and across time,
and the world looks as if it had no age:
the landscape, like a line in the psalm book,
is seriousness and weight and eternity.

What we choose to fight is so tiny!
What fights with us is so great!
If only we would let ourselves be dominated
as things do by some immense storm,
we would become strong too, and not need names.

When we win it's with small things,
and the triumph itself makes us small.
What is extraordinary and eternal
does not want to be bent by us.
I mean the Angel who appeared
to the wrestlers of the Old Testament:
when the wrestlers' sinews
grew long like metal strings,
he felt them under his fingers
like chords of deep music.

Whoever was beaten by this Angel
(who often simply declined the fight)
went away proud and strengthened
and great from that harsh hand,
that kneaded him as if to change his shape.
Winning does not tempt that man.
This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively,
by constantly greater beings.

-Translated by Robert Bly

from Risking Everything: 110 Poems of Love and Revelation

Edited by Roger Housden

Are you ULPing yourself?

I read an interesting book that's been hanging with me, the learnings flitting back to me here and there as I continue on my own personal upward spiral of growth, The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks. It's a quick read and is all about recognizing what the author calls "Upper Limit Problems," problems (self-limiting beliefs, really) such as consciously holding oneself back so as not to outshine a sibling or so as not to take more than one's share of space in a given situation. Some of us are brought up to believe that it's rude to act as if we matter or are in any way an authority. Once we notice that we're held by an Upper Limit Problem (ULP) such as this (there are others that you can read about in the book) we can begin to understand where and how we're holding ourselves back by not owning our own potential.

The Big Leap provides guidance and inspiration that attunes the reader's awareness in such a way that knowing what to do next is a no-brainer -- live in the Zone of Genius, of course! To get to the Zone of Genius, that place where we're being more, experiencing more happiness, well being and wealth, and making a bigger contribution to the world (a man after my own heart!<3), we must get past our Upper Limit Problem -- stop ULPing ourselves, as it were. Hendricks invites the following self-inquiry as a means of evoking the Zone of Genius:

• Am I willing to increase the amount of time every day that I feel good inside?
• Am I willing to increase the amount of time that my whole life goes well?
• Am I willing to feel good and have my whole life go well all the time?

Sounds pretty nice, huh? With helpful exercises to get clear on your Zone of Genius, to Articulate Your Unique Ability, and even to redefine time so there's always enough of it, it's hard to come away without feeling an expanded sense of what's possible. I'd love to continue the conversation of what reading this book evokes in you and share learnings. If you've read it or intend to, let me know what came up for you by leaving a comment here.

Getting caught up?

There's been a resounding theme of catch-up this week in my scope of awareness. Are you noticing it, too?

People seem to be playing catch-up all around me, myself included. ...and it wasn't until the other day that I began to realize what bullshit this game of catch-up actually is. There I was, moving along steadily, right on schedule, all snuggly and warm in my Personal Safety Zone, then *BLAM* -- I get hit hard in the center of my chest with a tremendous blow of anxiety. It came on as I was listening to a recording of a class I had missed... I wasn't doing anything terribly strenuous and, in fact, was feeling really good about reconnecting, albeit virtually, with my teacher and classmates. I knew I needed some support so I stopped what I was doing, made note of the specific topic that was being discussed at the time of the anxiety attack, then began writing about it.

The details of what triggered this anxiety in me are not as relevant as what I learned from writing. Here's what was revealed as I wrote:

"It's about _______. Seriously, [do I have to do this] right now? I'm frustrated because I HAVE to wait  before I can use this piece. I HAVE to wait until I figure out how the heck I'm going to do this other thing -- and in a REALLY big way. I HAVE to bank the knowledge I'm gaining and trust that I'll apply it later. That's really frustrating and causing me anxiety. I SO want to apply more of this right now. ...now, is it really true that I HAVE to wait? No. ...and, I'm still making good progress if I don't [do this] right now."

 

Do you see it? I was clearly NOT being present. I was moving along ALOT faster than I'd realized and getting ahead of myself. My body knew this and retaliated, forcing me to slow down and come back to the reality of what was there for me, in that very moment.

 

I took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes and asked, "so, what now?" Then it came to me, loud and clear. If I go after something like I'm chasing it, I'm always going to have to work to catch up with it. This way of going about things is very likely to be stressful, if not at first, then after some time, then, if the chase continues, that stress will turn to anxiety. This can lead to a dreadful loop of self-deprecation, drained energy and even depression.

 

From a place of grounded, centered presence, there is room to think, plan and prioritize. Anything becomes possible as you focus simply on what is and embrace what you want so fully that you really get to know it. There's actually enough room in that very moment, right there on the spot, to notice that you are actually right on time and don't have to get caught up at all!

 

So, I ask you, when you play catch-up, how does it feel? Where are you or have you been playing catch-up in your life? I'd love to hear from you on this.

Extreme Measures

This past week has been a roller coaster ride of sorts.

Not being much of one for amusement parks for their mass appeal evidenced by the crowded long lines, mediocre food, blatant displays of seemingly everything representing the opposite of mindful, sustainable practices that I so love and the sticky-dirtiness that abounds there, I remain intrigued by the rides themselves, particularly the roller coasters. There's something about them that appeals to my high sensation seeking self that's at the same time a blatant assault on my kinder, gentler sensibilities. The way I laugh despite being jostled and bumped and jolted, my parts flailing helplessly at the spastic movements of the monster machine. The way my cheeks cramp from the ridiculous perma-grin plastered across my face as the skin of my cheeks is flung back from the Gs. The way the tears stream from the sheer exposure, not to mention the wind that blasts into me. The way it all comes to a sudden halt and the way it takes me a while to find my sea legs. The extremeness of the entire experience.

There's something about the way I feel completely and helplessly out of control while willingly in the clutches of the roller coaster that feels oddly similar in a somatic sense to the way I've been riding life lately. It's as if I've been flying around on the scaly-hard back of an ethereal dragon, clutching its neck as I hold on for dear life all-the-while being forced to trust its skill in holding us airborne as we loop, dodge and soar. An extreme letting go of affecting any difference at all in the course of our flight or the prospect of a safe landing.

In the midst of the crises inflicting this world, I'm forced to let go. For me, this is self-care in its most extreme form. There's so much that's out of my control. Everything, really, when it comes down to it. Everything except my choices. I just have to be here with all I've got, even those clumsy, odd, and ugly-beastly parts of me and trust that my experience, ability to listen and feel deeply, and my courage to remain open-hearted and vulnerable will be enough.

This is how I choose to be engaged right now. Much as I sometimes fantasize about living in complete isolation, safely complacent and shut off from the pain and suffering, I'm finding that my energy is rising and my compassion is growing by letting myself feel all of this. ...and ultimately, it feels pretty amazing. I'm feeling more connected than ever. What about you? Have you experienced this twisting, churning, inside out turning ride? ...or perhaps you're standing in line waiting to climb on board, or maybe you're keeping yourself safely cushioned within your comfort zone far away from this threatening whorl of chaos, unknown and infinite possibility. Where are you in this wild ride of life and what's the view like from there?

Nothing like a little mass distruction to start the day.

I woke Friday morning to the sound of my favorite radio deejay's voice calmly advising that there would be a tsunami arriving at 8 and that I should check the news for details. Her message was brief, without substantiating details. My first groggy thought was, "Is it April 1st? Is she trying to fool us?" Quickly becoming alert, I convinced myself that, no, it was still March. So I went to the computer to see what I could learn. Little did I know then what a wake up call this was.

There had been a massive earthquake in Japan and the entire Pacific bowl was to be affected by a tsunami. I quickly gathered what information I could to first determine my own safety, then set out to get a better picture of the bigger story.

Family okay, check.
Others in my community okay, check.
Then I heard that schools were closed. I've heard of snow days, but tsunami days?!

I put two and two together, realizing that a couple of our local schools are shelter locations during events such as this and drove down to the local elementary school to see if I could lend a hand. A representative from the American Red Cross assured me that they had only about twenty evacuees and that they had plenty of support for that number of people. He suggested that how I could really help would be to become directly involved with disaster relief in my area. You see, said he, most of the volunteers had to come from miles away to support this morning's evacuation effort. Had this turned out to be a real large-scale disaster, one where people are not just temporarily displaced, but homes are destroyed, infrastructure is disrupted or damaged and all things are thrown into a shocking state of mayhem, he and they would not have been able to get here so easily, at least not without a helicopter. Seriously.

So that got me to thinking as I was listening to my fear shouting, "We've got to do something!" My fear fed by remembering all the criticism over how long it took FEMA to get clean water to the communities devastated by Hurricane Katrina, or the utter helplessness I feel when I hear, "what are they going to do about those over-heating nuclear reactors?" The hackles of idealism are going up along the ridge of my back as I type. Something's got to be done. Just who is this they anyway? It's really all about me, us, and we, when it comes down to it. Isn't it? The way I see it, having better and more local safeguards in place, including being personally prepared, is critical in ensuring that disaster victims are cared for quickly and effectively. No matter where you live, there's some real threat of something happening that can devastate your life, your family, your home, your community. Any of us could be a disaster victim. I know you need no convincing that the threat is real!

...and here I am all up in arms and at the same time full of anxiety over the sheer insignificance that I feel when I consider the size of the role that I alone play in all this. In the midst of knowing I'm safe and others are in sheer tumult. I've got to do something and I could be doing so much more. Taking a big, deep breath, there's a swell of relief that comes when I realize that I'm not alone, it is we who are at work here. ... and WE make a difference every time we increase our awareness and open our hearts toward others. We care, we can't help it. These small actions of compassionate listening empower us to know what to do in times like these by improving our ability to respond and to feel the significance of the profound ripple effect each of our efforts has on the healing of the whole.

I'm going to start small and work outward from there. I've decided I will engage in a conversation with my husband to come up with a disaster preparedness plan for our household, something we haven't done formally. I want to have a plan for what we'll do if disaster strikes and we're apart when it happens. ...and I want to have this plan in place by the end of this week. What if we can't reach each other by phone and panic begins to take hold? I know for us, having an agreement about what we'll do so that we can count on certain behavior from one another is key. I will start there. The Red Cross has all kinds of information about disaster preparedness and is a wonderful resource for you to find ways to help, too. I hope you'll join me in taking some actions this week to ensure that we're even more ready to protect ourselves and to care for each other when disaster strikes again. All I'm asking is that you decide to do something to prepare yourself just a bit better. Join me and develop a disaster preparedness plan for yourself. Are you in? Let me know what you decide by leaving a comment.

Detachment of Heroic Proportions

There's an overwhelming sense of angst in the air today and it seems to be coming from the debilitating shadow cast by that evil nemesis, the Great Unknown.

I spent a good part of the morning diving into what it is that I don't know to see what I could learn from it and here's what I found:

1) What I don't know is WAY more than what I do know. Not only does this mean that I have alot more to learn, it also and possibly even more importantly means that I can't possibly know everything or even most of everything. This is somehow freeing in that I'm able to give myself permission to not know. Hey! I get to not know! I don't have to have all the answers. phew.

2) Since what I don't know is WAY more than what I do know, it requires a ton of room to exist within. This means that I can't possibly hold the space within myself for all there is that I don't already know. It's no wonder that I'm feeling yucky and over-taxed. I've been trying to contain all this unknown somehow! Who do I think I am? Hercules?

3) Realizing that I'd been trying to contain way more than what was mine to contain, I called upon a few members of my support team: meditation, a good cry, and talking it out. I'm now feeling at least a bit more present and have purged a good portion of the angst.

4) Now exhausted, yet softened and more pliant, I can feel the hold of the Great Unknown loosen its grip as I, too, loosen mine. I'm reminded to let go of any attachment I have to the outcomes that I hope for and to simply trust that I am doing what I can, showing up to be with what is, and responding just as I do, without worrying that I have to get it exactly right. A wise woman I know said this recently and it's really resonating with me right now: "When I let go of the control, and respond from a place that is grounded, detached, and confidently secure (it doesn't matter what happens - both outcomes are good ones), I get the response that I'm hoping for and then some."

...and so, feeling very relieved that I don't have to know everything and I don't have to carry the weight of the entirety of the unknown either, I'm feeling a sense of safety and spaciousness around me. I'm grateful for the support of others and my courage to sit with the unknown.

What about you? Are you ready to dive in to the Great Unknown to see what you can learn? Do it. You'll feel better in the long run, I promise. I'd love to hear how it goes!

Happy Monday!

Quick! Name three things you're happy about right now.

Ugh. It's Monday and it's a pretty typical one, which can mean that it might be just a little difficult to tap into that happy place. It's times like these that I revive myself with this little technique. You see, there once was a time that I would fall into deep inconsolable depression and despair practically every Sunday evening, just before bedtime. I knew that Monday was just around the corner, which meant the beginning of another week of working in a world that didn't understand me, being with friends who didn't support me (not really), and living a life that didn't feel like it fit me at all. Thank God I'm past that painful phase! I've learned so much since then. Yet occasionally, when something big in my life shifts or I become overly exhausted, those feelings of desperate isolation and deep sadness burrow their parasitic little heads into my skin to feed. This immediately brings me back to the bleakness of those Sundays, which I thank for the depth of their lesson. Next I acknowledge my ability to be resilient and open to possibility, then shift my attention toward the present moment. Here's where I ask myself to play along for just a few minutes. Ready? Okay...

Close your eyes and breathe slowly, inhaling deeply into your belly. Allow your exhales to soften your shoulders, your neck. Feel the surface of the chair that's beneath you -- feel it holding you. Sense the floor beneath the chair, uncross your legs and plant your feet solidly there. Breathe. Now allow yourself to scan your internal landscape. Notice how you feel in your body as you move your attention to your different parts. Breathe. Just notice. Take another deep breath.

Quick! Name three things you're happy about right now. Ah! Okay, I think I can do this...

I'm happy about my home. I love that I've managed to make this place pretty much just the way I want it. I'm comfortable here and it really feels just right. Ah...

I'm happy about my personal freedom. Wow! This is a big one. So often I see and hear people complaining and feeling victimized by their circumstances. I'm so affected by this that it feeds my own ability to choose to remain in a state of personal growth. This ability to choose is the personal freedom that I'm talking about here. Good stuff.

Petra, my younger dog. She's my daily reminder that there's boundless possibility for adventure, joyful excitement and soul-feeding surprises in each new day.

So, how about you? What 3 things are making you happy right now?

It's what I do!

So, I've been spending ALOT of time lately working to come up with ordinary words to describe just what it is that I do and just how it is that I am. This is really important stuff! I mean, I'm "coming out" as a coach who provides a really amazing service. ...the service of helping people to find ease while they're busily working to save the world! It's no small feat, this business of saving the world. It can be so overwhelming and full of uncertainty and struggle. Yet, this is the work that my clients simply MUST do -- they are taking responsibility for an actual portion of the change that's happening right now -- they are being the change they wish to see in the world. ...and I grant them ease.

Yes, it's kind of magical and pragmatic all at once, this service that I provide. Granting ease. So how do I say that this is what I do? How do I describe myself in simple terms that bodes well with both the magical powers I possess that allow me to actually bestow this quality on others and my matter-of-fact, no bullshit style that doesn't tolerate alot of intangible blither.

One thing that I'm going to do is play with metaphor a bit to see what comes. There's this awesome teacher and inspirer named Havi Brooks that I've recently learned about who specializes in what she calls destuckification. Her blog post I am metaphor mouse! Zapping the Tickler. provides a wonderful example that will allow me to brainstorm from both sides of my brain. Yippee! What fun! I can already feel it going in alot of directions all at once (there goes my own saving-the-world nature considering the sheer magnitude of the ripple effect of our collective efforts) and see myself working to stay focused on developing the metaphor at hand while simultaneously honoring emerging metaphors as they materialize.

My situation:
I want you to understand just what it is that I do. Even more, I want to give myself a title that says something about who I am that serves what what I do. I want to be able to say it in a way that doesn't sound woo-woo or esoteric, yet imparts a feeling of magic. I want it to be in ordinary language (says the matter-of-fact, no bullshit me) that anyone with a college education and at least 27 years of life experience can understand, yet despite its ordinary-ness, it will evoke sheer relief and a sense of wanting to hear lots more in a good number of them. Oh, and I want to boil it down to two words or less.

I'm going to spend the next day or so donning the cape and mask of Metaphor Mouse (read with a big announcer voice and echo effect with Black Sabbath playing in the background) and look forward to seeing what is unleashed! (did I mention that there's also a certain wildness to the quality of who I am?) If you're like me and feeling stuck on a word or words that just aren't fitting the use you have in mind for them, I'd love it if you'd join me in the adventure. See you on the other side!

5 Steps to Rejuvenate after the Holidays

This first week of the new year has been a whirlwind for me. Coming down from the sugar high and other overindulgences, ramping up for things to get back to some semblance of normal, cleaning out the accumulated clutter of decorations and leftover trimmings, and embarking into the uncharted territories ahead with the support of a new business building program underway... I'm feeling amped up, but admittedly a bit spun out! I'm feeling the need to get grounded and rejuvenated.

I imagine that a little rejuvenation might feel good to you right about now, too.

So... how can I keep this energetically lifted feeling, yet eliminate the overwhelm, you ask? Just follow these five easy steps and you'll be on your way:

STEP 1 -- Allow yourself to dream. What is it that you absolutely love? What feeds your soul? The fresh scent of earth as it's churned beneath your trowel? The vastness and wonder of a starry night sky or a rugged, isolated beach? The ecstatic bliss of being completely surrounded by and filled with music as you close your eyes and your body moves magically to the beat, the rhythm, the melody...

STEP 2 -- Decide. Now, if you weren't having fun already, really let loose here. What one thing would be most amazing to immerse yourself in right now? That's the one!

STEP 3 -- Schedule some YOU time. No have-to, must-do, gotta get done stuff here. And try and carve out time that will be yours alone. How much time depends on you. Two or three hours would be a really good start, but don't knock yourself if you can dedicate only 15 minutes. Seriously, write it on your calendar or your favorite time management tool. Consider scheduling several shorter "YOU times" if one long one feels daunting. [hint: this is a great place to ask for some help -- help caring for the kids, taking care of Mom, preparing that presentation. Now's a great time to cash in on offers of assistance and to delegate.]

STEP 4 -- Get moving! Put on your gardening clogs (or hiking boots, or dancing shoes...), get out there, and do it!

STEP 5 -- Reflect and acknowledge. After you return from your YOU time, perhaps as you close your eyes and nestle in to sleep that night, allow the memories of it to come rushing back. What were the smells in the air, the sensations on your skin, the sights, the sounds, the feelings, the energy? Reflect on the details of your experience and give yourself some much-deserved credit for taking the time to recharge!

I'd love to hear how this goes for you, your experiences, what came easily and what got in the way... Please leave your comments below.

6 tips for giving new meaning to Thanksgiving

This year we're staying home for Thanksgiving, just the three of us. ...and it's such a relief!

For years I would dread the coming of this holiday and I've rebelled against it in many ways throughout my adulthood. I rarely see my original family during this holiday anymore and I've inflicted tremendous guilt on myself for not feeling sad about this. It wasn't until embracing my sadness around the whole concept of Thanksgiving that I have felt not only relief from guilt and what I'm supposed to do, but a deep realization that I've actually not been rebelling so much as defining my own meaning of Thanksgiving.

The traditions set out for us as children are those of our parents and our forebears as taught to us in grade school. It's a time of gathering, possibly with family that may not be able or willing to engage in a way that feels good. It might entail traveling long distances, and at a time when air travel is an absolute cattle call and airfares are high. It means feasting, which can mean having way more food than is needed to feed those at the table, left over to be gorged upon in the coming days when others, even those in our own communities, are hungry and alone. ...and most of all, it means giving thanks, yet there can be a certain religious righteousness that goes all the way back to the Pilgrims that doesn't quite feel right (or at least for me, that's the case). In many ways, it represents traditions that may no longer serve us as adults. The good news is, we get to decide which traditions to carry forward and take the opportunity to reframe the holiday so we can enjoy it!

Answering the following questions can help bring new meaning to Thanksgiving for you. I've provided my own answers to these questions as examples.

1) What do you need and not need? What you think (or know) others expect of you will creep in here -- be careful to focus on your own needs when answering this question.

I need: deep connection, an opportunity to share abundance, to honor the harvest, to be encouraged to express myself and to feel safe and cared for in the company that's present.
I do not need: to travel long distances, to be with people who don't wish to engage with me, or to overindulge.
*hint* look to what matters most to you (your core values) to assist you here

2) What is your role THIS year? How do you want to take part? Notice how others' expectations of you creep in here, too. Focus on yourself and the part you want to play.
This year: I'm Mom -- creating a warm and welcome place for my step-daughter to come home to; I'm Wife -- providing a safe and nurturing refuge to my husband so he can be free to attend to his needs; I'm Daughter and Sister -- connecting with my parents and siblings by phone, meeting them right where they are; I'm a Sensitive Idealist -- donating extra food and volunteer hours to the local food pantry and preparing locally and sustainably grown foods for our table; I'm a Servant-Leader -- teaching by example and encouraging others to get what they need out of this holiday; and I'm a Compassionate Spiritual Being -- grateful to those who have sacrificed and lost, those who have taught me hard lessons and blessed by the abundance in my life.

3) Is there an emotion or feeling that you push aside when you think about all this?
Guilt and sadness are mine. Perhaps you feel lonely or misunderstood. Perhaps you feel overwhelmed. Spend some time with this feeling, really be with this feeling, and notice what comes up. Blame? Fear? Relief? Anger? It's helpful to do this in conversation with a close friend, mentor or another who supports you.

4) What are you grateful for? Give voice to these things and be open to listening to the gratitude others express.
I'm grateful for my loving family, my ability to be compassionate to others' needs and the amazing uncertainty of each new day.

5) What traditions would you like to manifest? Take a look at the beliefs and customs you've experienced around celebrating Thanksgiving. What do you want to carry forward? What do you want to add or change? I like to think about what causes me and my family the least amount of stress when I consider this one. I also like to focus on what I love about the holiday and leave the rest. ;o)
I love the tradition of having certain items on the menu: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, pie, cranberry sauce and a green vegetable are a must. My additions to this piece are that we always buy an organic, free-range, locally grown turkey, my husband prepares it on the grill, and our green veggie of choice is brussels sprouts (as opposed to the green bean casserole my mom always made). Most, if not all, of the ingredients for our meal are locally and sustainably grown.
My husband and I provide a warm and welcome place that my step-daughter looks forward to coming home to.
I create a safe and comfortable environment for myself and encourage others to express their needs so that we can co-create safe and comfortable spaces for them, too.
I connect with my extended family by phone and share stories with them of the celebrations in each of our homes.
I engage in sharing abundance and gratitude and encourage others to do the same.

6) What about next year? It's important to be flexible and focus on what matters at the present time. Know that in future years your needs, roles and emotions may be different. You may be a guest and be uninvolved with preparing the meal (or selecting its ingredients), you may not have someone with you that you'd like to have with you, or you may choose to forgo the meal and focus on other traditions you've identified as important to you. Revisit these questions each year to be sure you're honoring your own traditions and keep your meaning of Thanksgiving current.

Identifying what's important to you then choosing to honor those things will give you tremendous freedom. Honor your values this Thanksgiving. It's a good first step in giving new meaning to the holiday!